Pockets this season? In or out? Strangely I wasn’t immediately promoted to a

“Pockets this season? In or out?” Strangely, I wasn’t immediately promoted to a front row at all the catwalk shows from then on.Susannah has already arrived. Susannah is wearing a Marc Jacobs, puff-shouldered denim jacket and long grey skirt from Topshop. She is very pretty, in a very English way, with blonde hair, a clear, pale complexion, very blue eyes. “I think you’ll agree you have your work cut out,” I say, by way of introduction She is marvellously comforting. She has two small children (Joe, three, and Esme, 10 months) and points out the spilt baby milk on her boots I say, that’s nothing. I say, I’ll be walking along when I’ll suddenly feel yesterday’s sock falling out of my trouser leg.”OH, but it’s worse, much worse, when yesterday’s knickers drop out.” “And that happens to you, Susannah Constantine, one-time habitu?of Tatler’s society pages? Yesterday’s knickers fall out of your trouser leg?”"Absolutely,” she says “Are you big knickers or little knickers?”"Um… sort of standard, greyish knickers from M&S,” I say.”Get big knickers from Knickerbox No VPL.”VPL is an outrageous crime, obviously.

Perhaps, even, there should be a national register of offenders.Ah, here is Trinny. Trinny is pretty, too, but skinnier, bonier, edgier, with more angles, less bosom They both love talking bosom, though “What size are your tits?” asks Trinny I say I think I’m a hopeless 34A Trinny is alarmingly direct Trinny leans across the table, has a bit of a feel “Nope,” she says. “You’re a 32B.” Trinny is wearing checked trousers from Zara Trinny, though, isn’t Trinny at all, actually She is Sarah Jane. Trinny became Trinny when, at school one day, she decided to cut off the plaits of a girl she hated Well, only the one plait. She only got that far before she was collared and dispatched home. Now, as it happens, her father, a banker, was friends was Ronald Searle, the illustrator who created the girls of St Trinian’s, and on that particular day, Ronald was visiting “You’re just like a St Trinian’s girl,” said Ronald. So, from then on, she was Trinny.Trinny is much more fastidious about her clothes than Susannah or I.

“When I’m stressed, I’ll refile my jumpers in order of colour. Have you seen the new Nike shoes? They’re criss-crossed and so GORGEOUS.”What, they ask, do I want from today? I say I don’t know. I say I only know what I don’t want, which is:Anything that needs dry-cleaning. It’ll either never be taken, or taken and never picked up.I do not own an iron.No short skirts, as my legs could happily swing in the window of a German delicatessen.No tights I hate tights.No heels No pointy toes…”Hang on,” interrupts Trinny She and Susannah confer No, they decide. We won’t do Prada or Gucci or Armani – and all the other shops that I have never had the courage to go into – as they had originally planned We’ll do Topshop instead. I am much, much more Topshop, they agree.Should I be offended? NO, they say, because, as it happens, they are more Topshop, too They’re as frightened of the super-chic shops as anyone “Gucci is the worst,” says Susannah. “The doormen? What’s all that about?” Trinny says that she has a friend who went into Kenzo, asked for something, and was told: “We don’t have it in your size and, even if we did, it really wouldn’t suit you.”First, though, would I mind if they made me an appointment with their hairdresser, Roger at Richard Ward on Sloane Street? I think their view is that the Noddy Holder look isn’t exactly in, and possibly never has been.So, off we go in a taxi to Topshop at Oxford Circus I am excited now Whoever said appearance doesn’t matter was bonkers.

Indeed, I’m sure if, over the years, I’d eased up on the elastication and done less accidental sock-shedding, I’d be chairman of ICI by now. Who else dresses badly? Who else would they really like to get their hands on?”Dani Behr and Alex Kingston,” says Trinny. “I’d love to take some scissors to Stella McCartney’s hair,” says Susannah. The worst fashion crimes, apart from VPL? “Tapered trousers,” says Trinny “They accentuate the widest part of the body. Marks &Spencer is the worst perpetrator.” Susannah adds: “And leggings, obviously.”Is there something that couldn’t be revived if a great fashion house starting doing it? What about the shell suit? What if Armani started doing shell suits? Susannah thinks that someone is doing the shell suit In velour And? “It’s very nice.”Trinny disagrees. “Susannah, are you mad? It’s hideous!”Trinny and Susannah first met at a dinner party, given, it turns out, by Viscount Linley, whom Susannah famously used to date.