Anna on other hand looks set for dramatic return to vices she has been missing out on for three entire weeks
Anna, on other hand, looks set for dramatic return to vices she has been missing out on for three entire weeks. But then, until tonight, Anna had given up sex, drugs and alternative stand- up comedy, which, apparently, is new rock ‘n’ roll.
12.30am: So happy to be smoking again that almost don’t need any other substances to enjoy night out (ho-ho). Wonder if dealer lurking by the gents is secret Tory party donor Vikram shakes his head. “He’s not into smack,” he says.1.30am: Anna giving new meaning to chemical generation catchphrase “loved up”. Concerned she might start taking kit off at any minute or trying to hump furniture like next-door neighbour’s sex-crazed labrador. Try to dissuade her from dancing provocatively with the speaker.
Last Monday she messed up some poor guy’s divorce case for him because was so speaker- deafened couldn’t hear a word in court. “All the best barristers are deaf,” says Anna, cheerfully, while admitting said deafness is usually down to age and not club-induced tinnitus Dylan says he has plan to find Anna a shag. Tell him whatever it is, definitely not to do it.1.50am: Another yummy cigarette Chill-out room full of New Year Resolution Failures. Hands scored highest (176), but only because of the wider metaphorical and idiomatic use of that word (there is no such phrase as “all nipples to the pump”, or “nicking anything he could lay his penis on”) But “shoulder” cropped up an astonishing 35 times. “Penis” logged in at a pathetic dozen entries; “nipples” at only three more. True, there were 34 “balls” – but by way of self-exculpation I must point out that these spherical references were mostly sporting.Other parts of the body appeared more often.
There were two more jaws than penises, and only one fewer than there were nipples. At the very least it all sounds a little pathetic; sex, as we know, is for the young.
So, nervously, I submitted my work for this newspaper and its sister to a close textual analysis. How often, in just under 600 pieces, had I mentioned “penis” or “nipples”? The outcome of this search was reassuring. For a man of a certain age, to be accused of an obsession with sex and sex organs is worrying Especially when he isn’t aware of it himself. Is he perhaps not getting enough? “Is it not odd that desire should so long outlive performance?” as Shakespeare put it. LAST WEEK a very polite woman reader from the Home Counties wrote to the editor of this newpaper to complain about me. In a stern but good- tempered way, she admonished me for my excessive use of sexual imagery, and – in particular – for imagery associated with penises and nipples
This hurt.
“But it was nice to play a part that didn’t rely on my looks.”I’d assume she was being funny, but having seen Game On, it doesn’t seem likely.ONE MORE thing. Can anyone explain why Richard O’Brien – creator of the Rocky Horror Show, ex-host of The Crystal Maze, and official Coolest Human Being Alive – put on a Liverpudlian accent for his role of a demonic tabloid photographer in the Spice Girls film? Just wondering.. Janus is the winsome young blonde in the sitcom Game On who looks like a cruel caricature of Michelle Pfeiffer. And as those of you who have read this week’s film reviews will know, she stars in John Godber’s Up’n'Under, as a sexy young fitness instructor drafted in to shape up a hopeless amateur rugby team (you can tell it’s a British film, can’t you?).